Don't pick it up. Don't rent it. Don't even LOOK at it. And don't touch the box cover. Think of it as an incurable, deadly disease that needs to be quarantined. Because that's what it is. It's like a virus. A bad one. Only it's worse than that -- much worse. It's slow death. Two hours and twenty minutes of slow, excruciating, torturous death. Pure torture, from start to finish.
A story that goes nowhere. Characters you couldn't give a rat's ass about. Tedious, pointless gun battles that go on forever, and then a little longer. Was there an editor on this show?!?!?!? Who ever thought that someday "Heaven's Gate" would look good?
But first, you've got to get through it, the enduramnce test of all time. Be forewarned: just when you're thinking, "Thank God, the end is in sight, the pain is about to end -- it goes on some more. Like a horrific beast that screams endlessly and refuses to die, the film then goes on some more. And then it goes on some more after that. And then, some more. And some more after that. Watching this film is perhaps best summed up by Sean Penn's great line in "The Game": "They f*** you, and they f*** you and they f*** you -- and just when you think it's over, that's when the real f***ing begins!!"
But take heart, pitiable viewer, there is a light at the end of the deep dark tunnel. You who have unknowingly stumbled into the black and bottomless abyss can take comfort in the fact that yes, Virginia, there is an end to it all. And it's coming soon. Just not soon enough. It WILL be over, though. Eventually. In a few more hours. And then the pain will end, and soon the darkness. So sit tight, pray a little, visualize the end credit crawl, and the end of the suffering will arrive.
And we -- all of us -- can thank the good Lord in Heaven that the damnable creature is finally dead, and pray we never have to go through this Hell again.
So look at the bright side: once this abysmal abortion on celluloid is over, there's a pretty good chance you'll be able to get over it, completely forget about it, pretend the nightmare never happened, and go back to living your life.
And warn everyone you know to be afraid. Be VERY afraid.