Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion

There's simply no redeeming quality about this film. OK, some of the costumes are OK, but they're nothing you can't see in, say, the Conan flicks. And what's up with Ator's hair? I can't believe this is part of a series! I will say one thing about this film: it was deemed bad enough for a righteous lampooning by the early cast of MST3K and I suggest to anyone that's curious enough to see how bad this film is to watch that version of the film for moral support if nothing else.

Even MST3K couldn't make this painful, long, and ultimately mind-bending drek funny or entertaining. While most bad movies in and of themselves are hilariously bad, this one is one of those few videos that uses the word bad in its literal sense. The element that makes this so PAINFUL to watch is not the lack of story, but the fact that SOOOO much background is crammed into the first half-hour that it is utterly ridiculous and harder to follow than a highway while driving with no headlights. The hero of the film, Ator, is no more than eye-candy for this literal energy-sucker of a film. Dressed in a loin-cloth and sporting "pecs like melons," as Joel put it, he belongs more in a fitness magazine than here. I would recommend this ONLY to die-hard, and I mean die-hard followers of cheese. If you have an enemy, recommend them this film. If you make it through this, I commend you. You should be able to make it through anything.

Considering that this is a film about a muscle bound, sword wielding hero, it is surprisingly boring. There are several scenes of looong dialogues that have no impact on the plot and other unnecessary scenes that make the movie more drawn out than it has to be. However, when something actually happens it is fairly enjoyable in a comical sense, as the actions scenes are very poorly choreographed and executed. The best part is the 1/4 of the film where it seems the film makers ran out of story and just threw in everything they could imagine, no matter how stupid. There are hang gliders, bombs and even a nuclear explosion, as opposed to the cavemen in one of the opening scenes. That's just thee kind of thing I like to see in this kind of movie, more of that and less boring dialog would have made it, well, not good, but funny. As is, it was really rather meh.

This was the segment that ran at the end of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode which pointed out various careless errors people failed to see when checking this movie before its release, if it was checked at all. I have never seen either of the other Ator movies, but if this one was any indication of the overall quality of the series, I'm glad I haven't. This turkey jumped back and forth through time unintentionally, even coming into modern times with the view of the skyline of a modern city in an aerial shot. And that's not even mentioning the sunglasses-wearing caveman or the tire tracks in the field. In short, this was one of the movies most deserving of the MST3K mark because...THEY JUST DIDN'T CARE!!!!

It wasn't until the end of the MST3K episode did I note that there was a guy in a fight scene wearing glasses and tire marks where Ator was riding his horse. This movie stunk like yesterday's gym socks (at least it wasn't bad as 'Manos'). The only things that were good about it were the hunky, Conan dude, Ator, and the riffings from Joel and the bots. What I can't understand is how the shots of the white guy and the black guy (in the beginning and the end of the film) have anything to do with the movie? It looks like they were extras off of the film of "Ben Hur" or something.

*Spoiler/plot- The Blade Master(Cave Dwellers), 1984. In a time of ancient swords and sorcerer, a young man explores and fights for good. *Special Stars- Miles O'Keeffe, Lisa Foster. *Theme- The future is much like the ancient past. *Trivia/location/goofs- Color. Italian. This film was produced quickly and cheaply to try to cash in on future release of 'Conan the Barbarian' film. The film had no script, and mostly had improv scenes. Goofs: Watch for obvious tire tracks in ancient battle fields, hand rails on ancient castles, and sunglasses wearing barbarian 'extras' during battle scenes. *Emotion- The lead muscle bound performer, Mr. O'Keeffe says working in movies is not a career, and it shows here. A horribly confusing and 'could care less' film with a group of comic book characters performances just as bad. This offering is utterly forgettable as a film presentation. Not even worth a campy B-movie status, just horrible and a waste of your time.

I've never watched Mystery Science theatre so can't comment on that, however, I have watched Ator the Fighting Eagle and is was so much better than this. What were you thinking, Joe D'Amato? This time, William Berger is some scientist who has invented something and David Brandon of Stagefright wants the secret, but Berger's daughter has done a runner with it so it's up to the world's best Brian May enthusiast to sort things out. Only this time he don't have a bear sidekick, or does anything cool, or anything, because this film is talk, talk, talk, and not much else. Where's the giant spiders, zombies, and Laura Gesmer of the first film Joe? This time, Ator ruminates on things, uses science, and talks with folks as we look at how much time has passed and wonder when the film is going to get good. Luckily it does, but you don't get anything particularly outlandish here except for Miles in a handglider. But still, not so good.

A bad low budget flick, it is a real pain to watch. The scenes shown in the credits appear to have nothing to do with the rest of the film. For some reason this movie, set in the Middle Ages, features grenades, a hanglider, and an atomic explosion. The main character, Ator, is supposed to be hero because he can defeat puppet snakes and spiders. For some reason the writers decided to name his sidekick "Thong"(or is it "Fong"?). This movie was just another reason to change the channel until MST3K came along, and, as always, made it very enjoyable. At the end, they give a hilarious review of all the film's continuity problems. The film is titled Cave Dwellers when shown in MST.

The credits come from the Sandy Frank stitching job that was made to turn this movie into Cave Dwellers for re-release. Now that that's cleared up...oh! Excruciating, eye-gouging pain. Blade Master leaps shamelessly on the sword & sorcery bandwagon started by the Conan flicks...except the bandwagon never left the garage anyway. As such, this Italian flick is a dud trying to rip-off a box office dud, with predictable results. However, this would give too little credit to the director and writers, who make no effort whatsoever to maintain a coherent plot, continuity, any semblance of era-accurate continuity. Miles O'Keefe is no leading man, now or forever (Tarzan The Ape Man proved that, if Ator didn't). Just an unlikeable picture and a chore to watch.