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Mike Nichols must have a thing for dysfunctional quartets, as this is his third entry that tells a story of how four people damage each other with their callousness and emotional immaturity. With CLOSER he decides not to go loud as in WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? but to misdirect the viewer into thinking he is watching a series of Meet Cutes between the four leads. This is really only the setup for something completely rotten that comes out in a crucial moment, when both Natalie Portman and Clive Owen discover that their spouses, played by Jude Law and Julia Roberts, have been quite shamelessly carrying on and excusing their affair with wordy denials as if that would remedy the situation. To see Portman express total devastation in the fact of infidelity as she asks Law how can he go on with his cheating is to see her innocence and purity of emotions taken away, turned into something that later on becomes ugly and manipulative, although of the four she is the one whom at the end rises above and detaches herself of a damaging relationship. Owen's descent into conscious perversion is also disturbing. Already apparently heavy into Internet chatting, he is introduced as someone who would innocently chat with what he thinks is a woman and actually believe "she" would meet him later for a quickie, and this gullibility is what also has him believing his wife would not leave him for anyone else even when it's clear she's carrying on with the same person who introduced them. He later decides to hurt them both, and succeeds so, but in trying to tie Roberts to him, he is only cementing the grounds for more mental and emotional cruelty. Definitely not a date film nor one to watch on Valentine's Day, this is one of those films that takes the notion of love, sets it up on a pedestal, and them hacks away at its limbs and stabs it repeatedly in the heart until there is nothing left but hurt and more hurt and no way out. Ironically, it's physical abuse, never seen throughout the entire film until the very end, that sets at least one character free. Powerful, ugly at times, CLOSER betrays its title and makes you want to remain single for a long time.

♡

They really should lose the "C" in the title and re-title it "LOSER" ! This is one putrid story about four people who absolutely deserve each other. The viewer grows to loathe and even despise EVERY one of these despicable human beings. I don't care how good the acting is, the story and the characterization is just awful. Save your money at all cost. For a movie that was so over hyped, I'm glad that it was surprisingly a commercial flop. It's gotten to the point where large critics make me sick. They praise inferior stoiries because they either admire the actors or receive kickbacks. Ebert & Roeper got me out to see this movie. I should have known better. This one's not just overrated, it's a flat out bad movie.

This movie lacked a lot of elements, but above all it was unrealistic and shallow. I feel like I wasted the last 2 hours of my life, hoping there would be some climax or maybe just a linear plot. And don't try to tell me about symbolism... if this is how adult love really is, I have very dire expectations for the future of humanity. It seemed that the screenwriter had some wonderful ideas for argument scenes and exchanges of dialogue, and just filled in the rest of the story. What an absolute bore and complete disappointment. And just so you know, Natalie Portman was the worst cast choice for this role. Not even the bare breasts could keep my husband awake.

I've seen Closer described as a cinematic triumph, but it's precisely not. The film wears its theatrical origins on its sleeve, and the presence of the camera is mostly irrelevant. It also fails in a more subtle way. Initially, I watched four apparently amoral people, devoid of depth or shame, being clever at each other in increasingly hurtful and exploitative ways, and my mind rebelled. This can't be right, I thought, people don't talk like this. Hell, people don't *act* like this. Then the light dawned. The characters seemed inhuman because they are. They aren't people at all, they're philosophical positions. When they talk, they're not talking. They're saying the things that people only dare think, asking the questions that haunt anyone whose relationship has gone horrifically pear-shaped. This isn't the story of four people and four relationships, it's an attempt to compress everything the author believes about human relationships into a film and bend it into a story. It feels artificial because it is. With that realisation, I actually began to enjoy it, because Closer is a very clever film. I wish I could disagree with more of it, because many of the things it has to say about human relationships are painfully true. Every mistake you've ever made in a relationship is in here, and it's guaranteed to make you squirm at least once. It's also blackly funny in many places. Without exception, the performances are fantastic, with the honours going to Natalie Portman's emotionally scarred escapist who wears lies like they were armour, and Clive Owen's brutal, perceptive, and ultimately absolutely human dirty doctor. Be warned! The marketing campaign may lead you to think it's a comforting rom-com, but it's not. I wouldn't advise going with your partner unless you're rock-solid. You may leave asking some uncomfortable questions, and wondering how well you really know them...

Take four unsympathetic characters and slam them into one other in a series of contrived meetings. Then hop forward a few months at a time to some equally contrived decision points in their relationships. And at each stage make sure that they make absolutely the most unconvincing and ludicrous decision possible. This is without doubt the most infuriatingly unbelievable film I have ever seen. I had to suspend my disbelief less for South Park Uncut. Nothing that any of the characters ever say or do is even remotely plausible. After the first half hour the film becomes risibly predictable because you know that whatever choices the characters are faced with, they will take the most preposterous option. At one point I thought "if Julia Roberts does X now then this is the worst film I've ever seen" ... I clearly wasn't alone as when she did (inevitably) do X, a neighbour stood up and walked out of the theatre. Oh ... Clive Owen puts in a convincing performance (as the biggest arsehole in a foursome of arseholes). But it's scant consolation for the rest of this nonsense.

The only redeeming thing about this movie was its cast. I watched this with my two roommates and at the end we were all depressed and confused as to why four such excellent actors would ever sign up for this movie. When I say depressed, I mean DEPRESSED. This has to be one of the most depressing movies I've ever seen, not necessarily because of the subject matter (though that was depressing) but more because all four of the main characters were unlikeable and miserable the entire movie (Julia Roberts smiled maybe twice in the entire thing). The movie tried to establish a theme of Lying and Being Lied To, but in the end just ended up being entirely predictable and boring. By the end you didn't really care who was lying and who was being lied to, nor did you care what happened to the characters because they were all so completely unlikeable (immoral and bland are the two best words that come to mind). Bland is a perfect word for this movie. Every scene was filmed in a dull, colorless location, with the exception of the strip club scenes, which were really the only salvageable scenes in the entire movie. I really expected more from Mike Nichols, who directed the Graduate, a masterpiece where this was more like a flop. Some movies you can seek out the good points even if you dislike it in its entirety, but this had nothing short of the strip scenes and the cast to fall back on, and in the end that just wasn't enough. I give it a 1/10. I was going to be generous and give it a 2, but that Damian Rice song, that just wouldn't go away, happened to be the straw that broke the camels back.