Beaks: The Movie

Beaks: The Movie

Moviecut—Beaks: The Movie

It's hard to condone a film that starts off with some muppet shooting pigeons for sport, but this film is so overwhelmingly stupid that it's hard not to enjoy it. Basically, it's The Birds only made by Spaniards and Italians. Which is probably why it starts with a guy shooting pigeons. Basically, the birds are annoyed that man is damaging the Earth and are now looking for payback. Although we have countless shot of Flamingoes, Storks, seagulls etc any time there's a mass bird attack the films uses pigeons. You know, one of the least threatening birds of all. Fair enough, a couple of eagles show up to pull people's eyeballs out but it's pigeons all the way for this film. You've got a reporter and her cameraman seemingly travelling all over the world trying to get to the bottom of all these bird attacks (and failing miserably) while interviewing people who've been attacked, like Aldo Sambrell and another guy who had an eyeball stolen by an eagle. Also the guy who was the husband of the junkie girl in the Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue is in this for about five minutes. But what makes it so enjoyable? The bad acting, fluffed lines, the scene where the pigeons 'eavesdrop' on our heroes, the crap ending and the even crapper (but most welcome) epilogue. What about the guy having a heart attack in the middle of a bird attack? I can just imagine some Spanish racing pigeon enthusiast being bunged a couple of grand only to watch in horror as his pigeons are thrown at confused actors trying to look terrified. They probably just poured breadcrumbs all over everything too.

Beaks is one of those rare movies, like Troll 2, that is so badly done, and silly, that it's fun to watch. Beaks is an obvious, and badly done, take on Alfred Hitchcocks' The Birds, but unlike the aforementioned film, contains little in the way of terror and absolutely no suspense what so ever.

I admit, I've never seen "The Birds". I read a children's story version of it in third grade (from the school library) and enjoyed it very much. I really hope that the Hitchcock film does not revolve around pigeons. I have handled them and know are very very harmless. The slow motions shots in "Beaks" look great, but I know all a pigeon could do is bounce off of somebody. I'm concerned that lots of pigeons died making the film and that makes the ecological message look hypocritical. An army of ants could scare me, but not pigeons or the canary in one scene. I only enjoyed the gore close-ups of pecked writhing bodies. They were pretty well done. A silly and boring film, though I would like to see "Night of the Thousand Cats".

"Alfred Hitchcock's classic film … but with loads & loads of additional gore" … See, even the text on the old VHS box warned me that watching "Evil Birds" would be a complete waste of time, and still I didn't listen! There's gore, all right, but this also happens to be one of the most retarded movies I've ever seen in my life. We all know Hichcock and his films were (and still are) imitated and copied endlessly, but this is undoubtedly the most shameless and blatant rip-off of his repertoire ever! The story lines are identical, only the elaboration here is hopelessly inane with miserable dubbing, pitiable dialogs, atrocious acting performances (cursed be that gay boy from "The Blue Lagoon") and lousily cheap and unconvincing make up effects. Since there isn't the slightest bit of suspense or atmosphere to experience, "Evil Birds" is unspeakably boring and thus doesn't even qualify as 'entertainingly awful'. The bird attacks are wannabe engrossing, but it simply isn't very petrifying to see a pigeon/dove/chicken approach the camera bit by bit. I guess it requires a talented filmmaker in the league of Hitchcock to make even the most nonthreatening little animal look threatening. Writer/director René Cordona Jr. is getting dangerously close to becoming my personal choice of worst director of all time. This is the fifth major disappointment in a row I see of him (after "Cyclone", "Night of a 1.000 Cats", "The Bermuda Triangle" and "Tintorera!") and easily the most embarrassing of them all. So far, I only enjoyed his jungle adventure knock-off "Treasure of the Amazon".

This turkey of a moovie is one huge pile of pigeon poo. Apparently, birds from all over the world (in this case, pigeons in Puerto Rico) have decided to kill mankind - or at least peck nonchalantly at a couple of idiot actors. Silly moovie is a direct rip-off of Hitchcock's The Birds, except the acting, direction, and fx are horrible. Michelle Johnson (Blame it on Rio) defines blandness; it is quite amusing to watch her blow her lines repeatedly. Christopher Atkins (of Blue Lagoon fame) is equally awful, only he has less lines to blow. Rene Cardona, Jr. is the son of the legendary Rene Cardona, Sr.(known as the Mexican Ed Wood), who gave the world the Wrestling Women VS the Aztec Ape, and VS the Aztec Mummy, so you know directing talent is in his blood. This moovie is very painful to watch, especially the repeated slow-motion shots of the pigeons in flight. One amoosing mooment comes when the pigeons attack a plane; it's pretty obvious that the plane is stationary, and that stage hands are tossing pigeons at the actor through the plane window. Yep, they don't make 'em like this anymoore. MooCow says leave this basting turkey in the oven, or be prepared for stupidity. :=8P

I just watched this film...no kidding I mean I JUST watched it. The credits rolled less then a minute ago before I stopped the DVD and ran to my computer. This film is absolutely dreadful, awful. No, it's worse then that. 'Awful' is a good description of a bad film. But this movie is deserving of some other word and I don't know what it is. It isn't just bad, while watching the film I found myself grinding my teeth and hurling obscenities in rage and frustration. From the very beginning with the 9 minute handgliding sequence which amounts to...NOTHING, this film had me...p*ssed. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How can anything on Earth be so horrible on so many levels? This film blatantly abuses the slo-mo sequence, especially in places that don't need to be slo-mo'd. In fact, I wager that if you played all the slo-mo footage at normal speed along with the rest of the film...the film would run about 30 minutes. The main story is about a (sometimes naked) reporter and her faithful lapdog--er...cameraman. But for some reason 80% of the flick revolves around 8 or 9 groups of people in 'bird peril', WHY?????????????? I'm not exactly sure how to express my feelings on this film correctly. I have nothing but absolute contempt for the cast and crew responsible for this travesty... ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!

These include: 1.) Bad dubbing and phonetically challenged foreign actors. 2.) A TV news story entitled "Attack of the Killer Chickens!" 3.) Close-ups of birds pecking faces apart and pulling out eyeballs, leaving only blood-squirting empty black sockets. 4.) Gratuitous slow-mo flying and attack scenes. 5.) A dense globe-trotting blonde couple who take time out from the carnage for a PG-rated bubblebath/champagne kissy kissy session. 6.) Snappy dialogue reducing a worldwide epidemic of bird attacks to "feathered mutiny." 7.) An annoying little brat who runs outside during the middle of a bird ambush just to get her greedy little hands on a party horn...leading to several unnecessary deaths. 8.) Christopher Atkins talking to his *. In case you haven't caught on, this is a low-grade rip off of the 1963 classic which cuts back and forth, from different countries to different people running away from someone offscreen throwing pigeons at them. American actors Michelle Johnson and Atkins are in the main segment about TV reporters who travel around investigating various attacks only to get ravaged on a train, but the story also covers a bickering couple, their two kids and a girl in a bikini attacked at a beach and people at a children's birthday party (there's even a little Veronica Cartwright knock-off named Cathy!). This film was also released as BIRDS OF PREY and was an international production that was filmed in Spain, Peru, Italy, Mexico, Morocco and Puerto Rico! Score: 3 out of 10 (for scattered laughs)